Three Men and a Baby
by lolavita
Summary: Edward, Jasper and Emmett may have it all together in a professional sense, however their personal lives were a whole different matter. How do the guys cope when a baby is dropped off on their doorstep? Rated M for the usual stuff - lemons and language. E/B, J/A, and eventually Em/R. *BASED OFF OF THE 1987 MOVIE*
1. Chapter 1

**This idea came to me when I was digging through some old movies and found my old Three Men and a Baby VHS. I was obsessed with that movie when I was a little girl, and I thought it would be a funny idea for a new story. This story will be light and humorous. Before I get nasty PM's, this story is Edward/Bella centric. They will eventually get their HEA. But there is a plot outside of their "love", which is hard to find in a lot of the stories on here. Be patient. **

**I do not own Twilight. Period.**

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**Uno.**

"Alright dudes, I'm outta here. Don't have too much fun without me," Emmett chuckled, as he threw his luggage by the front door of our NYC penthouse.

"Psh," Jasper shrugged from his position on the sectional sofa. "Sometimes I think you forget that unlike you, Eddie and I have girlfriends. We no longer have _your_ fun."

Throwing a pillow at the bastard, I scoffed. "I don't have a girlfriend anymore, asshole. And stop fucking calling me Eddie."

Emmett and Jasper both chuckled their fucking horrible-friend asses off. "Just because Bella broke up with you, don't mean you're gonna go get your dick wet like us _real_ men. You're still pining over the chick like a little pussy," Emmett stated – probably feeling quite smug as he spoke.

"Fuck you, bro. Seriously. Fuck. You." I spat. You would think that by now, they would stop fucking bringing Bella up. I really hate my friends. "I hope you're stuck between two fat, sweaty, homosexual men on your flight, both ogling over you, your good looks, and your _obvious_ charm. You better pack a change of clothes in your carry on, dick." I shouted, before I began walking the distance to my bedroom – all the way in the back of our spacious home.

"Not cool, Edward!" he yelled behind me. "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone!"

"Yeah, yeah," I shrugged, flipping him off before slamming my bedroom door.

"I love you, Eddie!" Emmett continued to shout from the front door.

No matter how much I fucking hated his guts, like 99.9% of the time, the big old asswipe was one of my best friends. I opened my door and quickly shouted "See ya in a week," before shutting my door again, and crashing down onto my un-made bed.

For the past year, whenever I entered my bedroom, it was always clean, organized, and the bed was always fucking made. God forbid Bella came over and it wasn't. It was all I would hear about, until I sucked up my pride and did what my girl wanted me too – even if it meant buying a laundry, and actually using it.

Since Bella and I broke up two weeks ago, my own little sanctuary had been a complete wreck, and even if I would never admit it, I actually grown accustomed to the… cleanliness. But out of principle, I left the room as it was. Fucking destroyed.

Stripping down to my boxers, I curled up into my pillow and tried not to think about Bella. That girl had me so whipped, that she is all I ever fucking thought about. She broke my heart two weeks ago – though I would never admit it. Alice, Jasper's girlfriend, saw right through me. I hated it. The stupid little person.

I began to wonder, if maybe Bella would be lying in my bed beside me, if I didn't tell her about my desires – or lack of. She wanted marriage, kids, a white picket fence and a dog. I just wanted her. I just didn't understand why that wasn't enough. We were great together, why ruin what was already so amazing?

I fell asleep feeling angry towards Bella once again, for breaking the fucking awesomeness we had.

Early the next morning, I threw on whatever was currently laying on my bedroom floor. I looped my earphones through my shirt, before sliding my iPhone into my pocket. I blasted the music as loud as it would go, before I made my way out into the busy NYC streets for my morning run.

Living in a house with two other guys is fucking gross. If it wasn't for Alice and Bella, we'd probably be on a new episode of Horders. Now, with Bella no longer coming around, and Alice away on a "post break-up vacation" to support Bella, the place is trashed. I managed to kick my way to the front door, and opened it quickly.

I almost pissed myself when I saw what was placed just opposite of our front door.

I may not be an expert on kids, but I'm pretty sure the thing inside the weird seat thingy was a baby.

"Jasper!" I yelled like a little bitch. "We have an emergency!" I quickly bolted to his bedroom door, and began pounding it down. "Jasper!" I screamed every time my fist hit his door. "JASPER! Open the fucking door!" I continued to rant.

"What the fuck, Edward!" Jasper yelled, clearly still half asleep, clad in only his boxers. Not a sight I was _ever_ fond of seeing.

"Jazz, we have a problem," I said in a rushed voice, before grabbing him by the arm and dragging him to the front door where the… baby… was still in that weird thingy in the doorway.

When Jasper laid eyes on it, he froze. "What the fuck is that?"

"It's a kid, asshole." I was really not in the mood to deal with his stupidity right now. For being a total science nerd, he really lacked some common sense. I think he was dropped on his head a few times as a kid.

"Whose is it?" he asked, still frozen in place.

"How the fuck do I know?" I yelled, throwing my hands up in the air. This guy was really starting to piss me off. "Is it yours?"

"What?!" he yelled, breaking out of his frozen stance and stepping backwards. "No fucking way!" he held his arms up defense. "Is it yours?"

"Are you kidding me? No! Of course it isn't! Why the hell would you even say something like that?" I asked, truly hurt that he could even think that I was this baby's father. Did he not know me _at all_?

"Well if it's not ours, then whose baby is it?" he wondered aloud.

Both of us stood silent for a moment, glaring at each other. And then it hit us.

"Emmett," we both stated at the same time, before groaning loudly.

And it's official – this has _seriously_ been the worst morning ever.

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**Well, there you have the first chapter. I plan on updating once a week, if not more. I really just depends on how cooperative my 20 month old is. **

**Please leave a review and let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, I am pretty damn proud that I was able to whip something together for you guys so soon! Be sure to leave me a review and let me know what you think so! A little secret about myself… I am sometimes swayed to changing storylines based off of reviews. Someone said something in one last night, that gave me an **_**amazing**_** idea – once that idea is brought into this fic, I will happily acknowledge the reviewer. ;)**

**Happy reading!**

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**Dos.**

Jasper and I stared at the baby in silence for what seemed like a lifetime.

"What are we going to do with it?'' Jasper asked.

"Hell if I know," I mumbled, trying to force my brain into working overtime.

Suddenly an idea popped into my head. "Call Alice!" I quickly shouted. She always thought she knew everything - and she was a chick, so naturally she would know what to do with a baby. Right?

Sighing, Jasper shook his head. "No can do, bro. You know that the girls have no service on their cruise ship. She will call me when they dock in the Bahamas this afternoon."

"Shit," I sighed and began pacing in front of the door. We were seriously screwed.

Suddenly a loud wail from the baby startled Jasper and I. It was probably the worst noise in the whole, entire world. Do babies have a volume control? If not, they really should.

"Damn it! What do we do now?" Jasper asked frantically. He had even begun to tug in his hair. Jasper was known for being a little _too_ dramatic at times, but right now I am definitely feeling his pain.

"Uh... pick it up!" I encouraged, nodding my head fiercely.

"What?!" Jasper screeched, and moved to hide behind me.

Such a little pussy. If he could deal with Alice, then he should have no problem with a baby.

"I said, go pick it up!" I all but shouted, before twisting around and pushing him towards the baby.

"Uh," he stood silent, obviously trying to come up with his defense. "I don't know how to. What if I break it?"

"What makes you think that I know how to hold a baby? In case you forgot, my girlfriend broke up with me because I'm not into the whole baby deal. Alice is small – if you can hold her, then I'm sure you will do fine," I forced a smile, trying to seem as supportive as I could in the given situation, because there was no fucking way I was getting drooled on.

Talking a deep breath, Jasper bent down and carefully touched the baby. His hand shot back like the baby zapped him or something. When he went back in the second time, now with two hands placed right at the baby's armpits, he started to panic again.

"Edward," he whispered, nervously. "I can't get it out!"

"Why the hell are you whispering? It's already screaming its guts out!" I laughed, and walked over to where Jasper was crouched before the baby.

"Seriously Edward, help me. I think it's stuck. Oh god, I suck at this shit. I will never again complain when Alice insists that I still wear a condom even though she is on the pill. Damn it!" I had to give him credit - he was trying at this point to pick the baby up, but let's face it, we still play video games in our underwear and sneak junk food into our bedrooms late at night. Whoever left this kid here is beyond fucking stupid for leaving it here for us to find.

Taking a closer look at the baby, I instantly noticed the problem, and had to make a serious effort not to laugh. "Hey Jasper, it might help if you unbuckle the seatbelt."

"Whaa? Oh… okay," he nodded, and made quick work of unstrapping the baby. When he picked it up, the first thing we noticed that somehow escaped our radar before, was that this baby was a girl due to the ridiculously pink clothing it wore. That, or whoever left it hear in the first place was some sick freak, and this poor child would grow up to be severely mentally scared. I then noticed a note that must have been placed behind her.

Picking it up, I was hesitant about what I was about to read. Jasper, who looked mighty uncomfortable trying to hold and soothe the baby in his arms, seemed very interested in the letter that I currently held.

"_Dear Emmett_," I read aloud.

"Fucking knew it," Jasper mumbled, however I could hardly hear him through the massive amount of noise the little person was currently making in his arms.

"_This is our baby. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I didn't know what to do. I tried to be the best mother I could, but I can't. I am going back to LA to continue my work. My hours are nuts, and I don't think it's best that I bring her along. Please take care of her. Oh, and her name is Michaela. Keep her safe for me. From, R_."

"What kind of person just leaves a baby on someone's doorstep? And what kind of person leaves a baby for _Emmett_ to take care of?" I began to rant, throwing the note aside and running my fingers through my hair. I just couldn't wrap my head around all of this.

"I don't know, but I think I'm ready to put her back in her seat and go back to bed," Jasper stated, glaring at Michaela, who was still screaming in his arms. "How do I make her stop?" he pleaded with me, even resulting to a full on puppy-dog pout. "Do you think she's hungry? I mean, I get cranky when _I'm_ hungry. And Emmett does especially – if this is really his kid, that would explain a lot."

Snorting, I shook my head. "And what are we supposed to feed her? Last night's pizza leftovers and a beer? The least that bitch could have done was left some things for it, I uh mean… _her_," I continued, nodding towards the baby.

Leaving Jasper alone with Michaela, I ran back into my bedroom to grab my wallet before returning.

"I'll be back. I'll go run to the store and see what I can get for her. You stay here, and try to make her stop making all that horrible noise," I said, before running towards the elevator.

"Edward! No!" Jasper cried, bouncing Michaela in the doorway. "Don't leave me alone with her! I don't know what to do?"

Pressing the down button on the elevator, I smiled back at Jasper. "Go geek out on her and talk to her about your science shit. I'm sure that will put her right to sleep. I mean, it works with everyone else."

As soon as the elevator doors opened, I quickly slipped inside and pressed the button to close the doors. There was no way in hell I was going to let Jasper cry his way into going to the store, and leaving me here with the kid. He'd be fine for a half hour – wouldn't he?

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**Hmm… thoughts on how Edward's shopping trip is going to go? Before anyone asks, this story will be mostly EPOV, with some BPOV. Once the story is completed, I do plan on writing outtakes – the first one being JPOV on his first time alone with Michaela.**

**Leave me some love through reviews! I cherish each and every review, and they are what encouraged me to finish this chapter tonight (actually this morning…) **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello all! I am sorry to keep you waiting. My sweet little peanut caught the nasty coo that seems to be going around our neighborhood. Needless to say, I've been pretty busy. **

**I hope you all enjoy this!**

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**Tres.**

As soon as I entered the supermarket doors, I should have known that this little excursion was going to be just difficult as staying home with the screaming baby. I absolutely hated shopping. Normally if we needed anything for the penthouse, we would send Emmett. If he was away working, then Alice and Bella stepped in. Well, Bella _used to_ anyway…

I paced the front of the store, looking at the signs that hung above each aisle. As soon as I found the baby section, I took a deep breath to prepare myself for the hell I was about to endure.

I walked past everything from diapers, to little jars of baby food, and then some weird color-coated cans. Then there was a section with bottles, some weird nippley thing that I've seen plenty of kids on the street sucking on, bibs, and different types of baby medicine.

Starting at the bottles, I picked up one package and examined it. On the back, all of the "advantages" of using that particular bottle were listed. That one seemed good, until I picked up another box that also listed all the reasons why parents should buy that brand. Every single bottle I picked up had a detailed description of its mechanics on the box. Wasn't the thing just used to drink milk from? What the fuck is DHA, and why is it free?

Sighing, I glanced over the left and saw an empty, abandoned cart. Snagging it quickly, I threw one package of all the different bottles in it, since I had no fucking clue of which one to get.

"Is this your first baby?" a nasally voice asked from behind me. Turning around quickly, I noticed that whoever this chick was, she must have worked here. Or she just liked wearing a red vest and name tag. It is New York, so who knows?

"Um, kinda," I mumbled, unsure as to how to answer that question. "What are those can things?" I asked, pointing to the color-coated cans. If there was that many of them, than I'm assuming they were important?

God, this fucking sucks. I hate my life.

"Formula," she sneered, narrowing her ugly little eyes at me. "What do you plan on using the bottles for, Mountain Dew? Babies drink formula, if they are not breastfed."

Ewww. I do not want to even think about _that_!

"Uh, which one is good?" I asked pathetically. I hated not knowing what I was doing.

"It just depends on how old the baby is, and what its body can handle. All babies are all different. You just have to try some, and see which ones work the best. Does your baby have any allergies?"

"I don't think so. How do I know what it can or cannot handle?" I asked, really needing to Google _Babies for Dummies_ or some shit like that. This was getting ridiculous.

"You'll know," she smiled before walking away for assist another customer.

What the fuck kind of answer was that? Are you kidding me right now?

Quickly growing frustrated, I threw several different cans into the cart. I then moved on to the boxes of diapers. As I glanced at the prices, I winced. Why the fuck would something a kid pisses and shits in be so expensive? Emmett is _so_ paying me back the second he gets home.

Since apparently, you have to know how much your kid weighs to buy the right size, I quickly pulled my phone out and dialed Jasper's phone. He's held her, so he should know how much she weighs, right?

_Ringing._

_Ringing._

_Ringing._

_Ringing._

"_Hey, you've reached Jasper's pho…"_

"Shit", I mumbled, before hanging up and sticking my phone deep into my pocket.

Since this was Emmett's fucking problem, and I was shoving this receipt in his ugly face as soon as I see him, I threw one box of each size in the cart. He could deal with it.

I quickly pushed my way over to the register, and tried to ignore the weird look that the old lady in front of me was currently giving me.

"What?" I finally asked.

"This is your first baby," she commented with a smile, looking over the items I had placed on the counter.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" I whined, growing more and more paranoid by the second.

"Because you seem a little lost," she chuckled just as the cashier handed her her receipt and her bag. "Relax son," she soothed, "You'll be okay," she added before walking off.

Okay? Who is _not_ going to be okay is Emmett after I get my hands on him…

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**This is short, but I want to stop it here therefore the next chapter meshes better. I will start writing it tonight. I need to get through the first day or so with E and J dealing with the baby on their own, before I bring in B and A in to help them! **

**Please review! **


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